Artificially Large Skier Penises Should Stay Legal

To ski jump is to momentarily become a god. The track is narrow and slick, and the athletes plummet down the sloped hill at almost 60 mph. They leave the track and take up, up, up into the sky, where they bend themselves forward. Their chests are almost at their skis, which they hold perfectly still, angled outward as they soar through the dark skies of Cortina like a bird of prey. They are so still, so serene as they glide through the air toward the bright green line of success. It is astonishing and mesmerizing to watch them.

But just imagine how much more beauty, splendor and excitement men's Olympic ski jumping could have if all of the men had bigger dicks.

In January, Kristina Ellwanger wrote in the German newspaper Bild that a new scandal was rocking the world of ski-jumping: ein Penis-Gate. Because ski-jumping is often determined by the thinnest of margins, athletes, she wrote, had found a new way to give themselves an advantage. They are allegedly pumping up their dicks with hyaluronic acid fillers.