In The War On Protein, We Have Been Humiliatingly Defeated By Protein

In light of the Trump administration's escalating threats of military action overseas and the militarized occupation of Minneapolis, the administration's announcement on Jan. 11 may have come as a surprise. The White House, it seems, will be ending the war on protein, per a tweet with the words "WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN" emblazoned over an ominously hazy photo of some haunted specter assuming the form of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., white hair and deeply furrowed forehead dissolving into a shroud of darkness like Homer into the hedge. The tweet links to a website, realfood.gov, where three foods—a slab of steak, a carton of whole milk, and a floret of broccoli—converge to reveal another slogan: "Real food starts here."

What war on protein? you might ask if you live in the United States or seen an advertisement for one of this nation's increasingly deranged purchasable foodstuffs. I will admit that I participate in this culture. I have tried and enjoyed the Eggo Buttermilk Protein Waffles and the Barilla Protein+ Penne. Sometimes after working out I drink a protein juice with the flavor "Fuzzy Navel" (I am not proud of this). If there has indeed been a war on protein, surely Protein must have pulled off a flanking maneuver, soldiers massacred by the battalion by Starbucks's new lineup of Protein Lattes, featuring protein-boosted milk and "a variety of protein cold foams"; regiments splintered and picked apart by the 20g of whey protein isolate in Pure Genius Ready Clear Protein Water; POWs dispatched ruthlessly by Khloe Kardashian's Khloud protein popcorn. A moment of silence for all the lives lost in this needless war.

Of course there is no such thing as the war on protein, which is shockingly even faker than the war on Christmas. The nation is more protein-pilled than ever. Would a nation enmeshed in such a war create the Dunkin' Donuts Megan's Mango Protein Refresher as a part of a campaign with Megan Thee Stallion playing her alter ego, "Pro-Tina?" We are living in a moment of peak protein propaganda, and research suggests that, on average, adult Americans are already eating 20 percent more protein than we need—so much that it might be giving us kidney stones.