Patriots And Broncos Stink On Ice

The first half of Sunday's AFC championship game, played between the New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos, was ugly and halting, featuring two bumbling offenses questing for any sort of foothold or forward momentum. Denver quarterback Jarrett Stidham, thrust into action by Bo Nix's season-ending ankle injury last weekend, connected on a deep ball on Denver's second drive, setting up a Broncos touchdown and creating the fleeting, illusory, tragic, and extremely unfair hope that he might have the ability to differentiate between a hornet's nest and his own butthole. New England's Drake Maye, who had no such excuse, led the Patriots to five punts and 67 total yards of offense.

New England's lone score of the first half came at the end of a 12-yard drive following an astoundingly boneheaded turnover from Stidham: On a short third down in his own territory, Stidham retreated 20 yards under pressure and then desperately chest-passed the ball toward the sideline. A referee blew the play dead, which prevented what should have been a lovely scoop-and-score for New England's Elijah Ponder. Stidham's fling was initially ruled intentional grounding—which it most certainly was, in the sense that the ball was grounded and it was super intentional—but after conferencing the referees agreed that he'd flung it backwards, which is a fumble. The Patriots took possession, and three plays later Maye scored on a quarterback draw.

The most important moment of the first half might ultimately have been Sean Payton's decision, on fourth-and-one from New England's 14 yard-line early in the second quarter, to call a pass play instead of kicking a field goal. Stidham was very nearly intercepted on a shitty out-rout, and the Broncos lost possession on downs. Perhaps it only seemed this way, but I would swear that Denver never completed another pass in the game, nor gained any yards, and in fact emerged from the tunnel after halftime nude, eyeless, and drenched in blood, and ran around howling "liberate tutemet ex inferis" in inhuman screeching voices.