Who Dares To Coordinate The Philadelphia Eagles’ Offense?

NFL rumor pixies Dianna Russini and Adam Schefter are on the record as saying that there may not be any NFL head coaching openings by Wednesday. Given that Wednesday is still scheduled for tomorrow, this means that one of the league's most vexing employment riddles should finally be solved, and much sooner than recent events would suggest.

That riddle concerns who is going to be the head coach in Cleveland. The Browns fired Kevin Stefanski three weeks ago, and every candidate rumored as a replacement has managed to either get a better job, decide that they prefer the one they have, or commit to spending more time with their family, nudge-nudge-wink-wink. The new common wisdom, which is code for bullshit thrown at a wall to see what sticks, is that because Cleveland owner/dingbat Jimmy Haslam apparently insists that whoever gets the job has to keep defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz in the fold, Schwartz may just wind up with the job outright. He has experience as a head coach, after all, albeit with some decently grim wilderness-era Lions teams. Schwartz's nickname according to ProFootballReference.com is "Gym Shorts," and he has the haunted look of a zombie mailman, all of which makes him the perfect—or, anyway, a fitting—choice for the role of "guy who tries to figure what to do with Shedeur Sanders and Dillon Gabriel." Nobody will remember that it took three weeks to hire him for the position, or that Haslam and general manager Andrew Berry seemed to indulge in the orgiastic hijinks of firing Stefanski without any solid idea of how to fill the chair.

So let's call this case closed, at least until it is Thursday morning and we still have nothing from the Browns. That would be both a delightful contradiction of Schefter and an uncanny imitation of their game days.